


Alive

by The_GrxyWxrxn_91



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Just wants to be loved, Andrew is strugglingTM, But is he tho?, Kevin Needs A Break, M/M, Multi, Neil is a hair dresser, Neil is dead, Nicky is cute, PUT NEIL JOSTEN IN SKIRTS2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25075213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_GrxyWxrxn_91/pseuds/The_GrxyWxrxn_91
Summary: Neil Abram Josten was dead. He had never been alive in the the first place. He was just a fake name on a few fake documents. A temporary person. He had lived for longer than he was supposed to.
Relationships: Kevin Day/Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Nicky Hemmick/Erik Klose
Comments: 13
Kudos: 90





	1. Dead

Neil Abram Josten was dead. He had never been alive in the the first place. He was just a fake name on a few fake documents. A temporary person. He had lived for longer than he was supposed to. 

Neil Josten was dead. 

Dead. Dead. Dead. 

That word was all too familiar to Andrew. It played constantly in the back of his mind. A broken record in a broken mind. It constantly whispered. 

Neil is dead. 

Cass is dead. 

Drake is dead. 

Tilda is dead. 

Riko is dead. 

Neil is dead. 

People who had been directly or indirectly killed by Andrew. Some people he couldn’t spare a thought for, like Drake or Tilda or Riko. Their deaths were nothing but a small inconvenience. A thing he was grateful for at most. Yet some tortured him every hour of every day. 

Neil’s death specifically. 

If Andrew has just played closer attention. Grabbed Neil as soon as the riot started. If he had just gotten Neil and Kevin to the bus. He hadn’t, though. He failed. 

He spent hours, almost a full day, looking through that stadium. His chest was heavy with rage and fear. It was like concrete had filled his lungs. They crushed his ribs, his stomach, his heart. He couldn’t breathe. He was terrified. 

Kevin has tried to calm him down. Back when Neil had just joined their complex relationship, Andrew was more comfortable with touch because Kevin had been there a year prior. Ever since Neil’s death, not even Kevin could brush skin. On that night though, Andrew was still familiar so he let Kevin card through his hair. 

It didn’t help. Andrew still frantically looked for any signs of the missing striker. 

“He ran!” Nicky had sobbed in the back seat of the bus. ”He ran away.”

“No he didn’t, idiot.” Andrew had hissed back, as he clutched the duffle left behind. “He wouldn’t have left this here. He was taken.” 

That had only made Nicky’s infuriating sobs louder. 

But Andrew had been right. Neil had been kidnapped by his fathers men. Andrew usually loved being right, but he hated being right about this. 

He was hurt too, all the Foxes were, but nobody cared when Neil didn’t show up at any hospitals or police stations. 

Months had passed. The Foxes were in desperate need for any word on their lost striker. Nothing came up. They had been disqualified for being too small of a team. They had lost their game, their best friend, their teammate, their lover. 

A year later, just as the team had finally gotten back to normal, news came from England. Stuart Hartford stood in front of the Foxes, new and old, and told them that their beloved Neil Josten was dead. They knew it, they assumed it. Having it confirmed and seeing pictures of his maimed body were different then knowing deep down. 

Dan had wailed. Nicky had thrown up. Kevin had walked onto court and silently cried in the middle of the fox paw. Matt stormed out, choking on his sobs. Renee sat and took it, pale faced and teary eyed. Allison blanked out and stared off into the distance. Aaron stood in the corner of the room for hours. Andrew hear the first words, saw the pictures before he went straight to Fox Tower to go apeshit in private. 

Dead. Dead. Dead. 

That day had finally, finally broken Andrew. It fractured him as it did all of them. All because Neil Josten had been fine. 

Andrew hated many things, the number zero and Exy to name two. He hated Exy with every fibre of his blood, but he still held that racquet like a spear. Every time he stepped on court, he thought that he had stolen Neil’s dream. He was here, a goalkeeper for the US Exy team. He had won the Olympics last year, just like Kevin said they would all the way back in college. When they promised that to each other, it was just after Kevin had been blown by Neil for the first time. Andrew waited on the window sill, cigarette dangling from his lips. His two junkie’s held each other in bed, silently asking Andrew to sneak in. Andrew stayed out on the window. It had been a promise for all three of them to uphold, but only Andrew and Kevin got to go through with it. 

Andrew had insisted a year long brake after that Olympic win and Kevin had only agreed because he was still foolishly in love and wouldn’t let Andrew wonder the world alone. 

So, sat in a bland coffee shop inside a mall, Kevin read through the German menu and Andrew fiddled with the butter knife set on the table. 

“I don’t know what any of this is.” Kevin grumbled. 

“Then learn German.” Andrew said blandly. The waitress came by to take their order, going straight to Kevin for the answers. “Two large lattes and a stack of waffles each.” 

The waitress was compliant enough and was gone quickly. 

“I like hearing you speak different languages.” Kevin muttered, fingers pulling at the napkin. “Especially French.”

Andrew had learnt French after Neil died. He wanted to be able to curse Jean Moreau in his own tongue. Kevin liked the French too. He liked the rasp in Andrew’s voice. It was a turn on. Andrew made sure to hardly ever use it. 

Andrew didn’t reply, because he didn’t want to see Kevin cry when he heard what Andrew wanted to say. Kevin’s cheeks were slightly flushed though and Andrew waisted a thought on a time when Andrew could kiss him. He refused to go back to Kevin. He couldn’t deal with another one of his lovers being killed by the Moriyama’s. 

Once brunch had been devoured, the two troubled men separated for the rest of the day. Kevin had gone off to the local Exy Court to feed his foul obsession with stick ball while Andrew fed his itch for normalcy but doing the groceries. 

He had a list of thing he needed to accomplish by the time Kevin came to pick him up. 

groceries  
Get a key cut for the ninth anniversary of Neil’s death  
Get more cash from the bank since he was running low and itching to spend every cent just for the thrill  
Get a new charger for his phone  
Get a haircut 

The groceries were random things, well it must look like it to the cashier. Ice cream tubs, protein power and baking/cooking ingredients. Bee said that Andrew should try taking up a hobby he actually enjoyed, she suggested baking and cooking. 

As Andrew loaded his cart up again, a smiley face turned up at his side. 

Nicky’s clearly Latino skin stood out among the white, German faces. His grin was no dimmer than the day they met. 

“Andrew!” He cried. The attention of many customers were turned to the pair which Andrew did not appreciate. “God, it’s been forever! I have to say, I watched you Olympic win with the girls last year. They say they wanna be just like you!” 

The girls were Nicky’s two daughters. Both adopted. The eldest was an Australian orphan named Rebecca and the youngest was a African foster child named Zara. Andrew had never met the girls, but he knew enough about them for the yearly calls he permitted his cousin. 

Erik took up residence at Nicky’s elbow, smiling gently at the cousin-in-law he was never fond of. 

“You should hope they turn out nothing like me, Nicky.” Andrew grabbed his cart and pushed it right through the happy couple. 

“Are you going to see Neil’s grave this year?” Andrew hadn’t even realised he’d lunged until Nicky was clawing at his armbands. Andrew’s stubby fingers curled around Nicky’s slim throat, squeezing fatally. 

“Don’t say his name-”

“He was my friend too-”

“Andrew.” Erik shoves the small blond off his husband. “Get your hands off him.”

Andrew wanted to scream. He hated seeing this. He hated that Nicky got his husband with a little bow on top while Andrew had to stand here, nine years later and heartbroken. 

Andrew grabbed his shopping and stormed away. He was too mad to pretend otherwise. He didn’t bother with his blank, bored face. Andrew let his teeth shine and his knuckles whiten on the handle of this trolly. 

He was fuming while he completely all of his errands. He growled at the banker. He snapped at the locksmith. At Apple he had to pay for a new phone when he smashed one of the display ones. 

Then, it got to the haircut. He should put it off for another day. He was to mad to have a stranger touch him for a second, let alone an hour or two. He should put it off, but then he caught sight of himself in a mirror. His hair was unruly, jagged and choppy from bathroom trims and touching his shoulders. It’s was darker than a year ago, mainly because that was the last time he remembered washing it. 

Bee said that it was his depression. He was neglecting everything and everyone, including himself because of it. Bee said it, so it was probably true. The thing that got Andrew to want to change it, though, was actually another thing that Bee said to him. 

“Neil wouldn’t want you to ignore yourself.” 

He had answered, “A corpse can’t want anything.” but she knew that meant he’d try. 

Andrew sighed and pushed his trolly out of the empty elevator and made a beeline for the barber. 

As he turned his head to the service desk, everything fucking stopped. 

Andrew had finally gone crazy. Grief and depression had finally killed his mind and made him clinically insane. Everyone had been saying it for years now, but it had finally come true. 

Though his face was distorted with terrible scars, no doubt inflicted by his father, and his hair an obnoxious shade of purple, Neil Josten stood their in front of him. He spoke to a coworker in enthusiastic German and grinned like nothing bad had ever happened. He simply grinned. It was so bright and beautiful. 

Neil was laughing. 

He looked so different to the Neil Josten Andrew grieved for, but it was still his junkie. 

His clothes were different, no longer eight year old tees and ripped up jeans. The denim shorts he wore were intentionally ripped at the high thigh and under the ass. His shirt was a brown button up, but the buttons were only done up to be in line with his diaphragm, tucked into his shorts. He dressed so aesthetically. 

He dressed to show off his scars. 

It was clear. 

This Neil Josten wanted to show off his scars for all to see and question. He was proud. It seems like forever ago that Andrew and Kevin spent nights learning that map of terrifying stories. They were like constellations the would trace. The bullet hole. The iron. The scrap. The knifes. The ones from his dad or his mum or Riko. 

There was more now, ones that neither Kevin nor Andrew knew. The ones on his face, three lines on one cheek and a burn where Riko’s number had been. Neil’s knuckles were melted, like similar spots that traveled all the way up his tanned arms. Lines of scarring that hand Andrew thinking of his own hidden marks tainted the skin left between those burns. 

He was maimed and broken and ripped apart but he was here. His Neil Josten was here. 

Andrew had half the mind to call Kevin, tell him that their boy was alive, but he didn’t. 

Andrew knew that this man, Neil was fully a man now, was not the same as the tenth Fox. From his hair to his shoes, he was not the junkie Kevin adored and Andrew needed. 

Andrew schooled his features back into their usual bored resting face, even if he felt like his oesophagus was about to be ripped from his throat, and walked in. 

“Good afternoon!" Neil greeted Andrew in German. It hurt. Andrew wasn’t expecting Neil to recognise him in a brilliant moment of fate, but he still felt let down. “What can I do for you, sir?” 

“A-” Andrew couldn’t do this. He couldn’t act like Neil was a stranger when they were closer than Andrew ever hoped to get. He choked on the words he needed to say, they were battling with the please to remember him. 

“Sir, are you okay?” Neil reached a hand out across the front desk but Andrew flinched back before they could touch. The coworker Neil had been talking to previously now eyed Andrew strangely. 

The coworker then perked up in recognition. 

“Andrew Minyard!” He cried. Andrew should just leave, he couldn’t deal with a fan on top of Neil Josten. “I’m a big fan. I was an exchange student from the US but I decided to stay here. I still go for US Court though.”

Andrew gazed at the man who was dressed very similar to Neil. He had green instead of purple hair. 

“Andrew Minyard, goalie for the US court.” Neil looked clueless when his friend tried to explain. Italy Andrew sick. “Exy? They won the Olympics last year- where’s Kevin?” 

“Home.” Andrew muttered. He couldn’t look at either of the two men so he looked at the empty seats behind them. “Just cut my hair.” 

“I’ll do it.” Neil volunteered. Andrew shivered down to the bone. He followed Neil to an empty chair and sat down. The chair was too big and his head didn’t reach so he embarrassingly had to sit on a pillow thing. Neil snickered at his huffing and puffing. 

“So,” Neil began the hair salon talk, “what are you doing in Germany if you play for US?”

“A trip.” He provided. Neil clicked his tongue in understanding. He started with washing Andrew’s hair thoroughly, scratching at the scalp perfectly. Kevin was the one with a hair kink and loved Andrew tugging on it, but Andrew couldn’t lie, it felt amazing. 

“You’ll have to forgive me, but I don’t follow Exy.” It made Andrew snort. Neil Josten not liking Exy was more unlikely than Zombies storming the shop right this second. Neil lived and breathed the god awful sport, now he couldn’t care less about it. 

“Nico,” Neil pointed to the man at the front desk, “he loves it. He’d suck Kevin Day’s dick for a stick of gum.” Andrew stiffened in his seat and Neil easily caught the shift in tension. “Sorry, that was out of line.”

Andrew hummed, forcing the tension out of his shoulders and jaw as he focused on Neil’s fingers in his hair. 

“So you don’t find Day attractive?” Andrew made conversation. 

“You can just ask if I’m gay or not.” Neil chuckled, turning off the water above Andrew’s head. “I’m bi, and yes, Kevin Day is very attractive so if you wanna give him my number, just kidding.” 

Andrew hated when Neil dried his hair. It was rough and the towel smelt weird. 

Halfway through the trim, that Nico guy came over. He’d finished his shift and was leave, kissing Neil on he cheek before departing. Andrew almost grabbed him back and slit his throat. 

Neil just laughed and left Nico with a LATER!

“Sorry, that was very unprofessional.” Neil laughed, snipping off some more hair near Andrew’s ear before grabbing the buzzer from a drawer. “Nico’s very flamboyant so most people assume he’s gay, he’s straight, but he likes to mock people by kissing me. He also says that just because I’m ace doesn’t mean I don’t deserve affection.” 

So they weren’t together. Andrew couldn’t let out a sigh of relief because that would be too obvious. So instead he said, “you’re ace?”

“Demi, actually.” Neil looked very concentrated in the mirror. “Problem?” He asked, expression not changing. 

“No,” Andrew rapped on the arm of the chair. Neil was leaning close, breath tickling on Andrew neck. “The guy I was with in college was demi.” He made sure to point out the fact he said guy. 

Neil’s lips slightly turned up. He got the message. 

“You guys together all through college?” It just sounded like gossip, but it felt like flirting. It made Andrew’s chest tighten in adrenaline. 

“No,” Andrew’s jaw clenched. “He...dropped out, I haven’t heard from him since.” 

“That sucks.” Neil took the buzzer up Andrew’s head, skilfully giving him an undercut. “I lost all my memories a few years back, but I still have this feeling of love, of something, in my chest. I can’t remember who they were, and it sucks.” 

It’s me, Andrew wanted to say but he couldn’t. He sat there, a stranger to this new Neil and dug his nails into his palm. He bit his nails so it didn’t do much damage, but there were crescent moons still in his skin. 

“Lost your memories?” 

“Yeah, in an accident.” Neil frowned. “I don’t remember. But I’m here now, I made a life for myself. I went to college, got this job. It’s still difficult sometimes, because I want to remember, I want to know. But I’ve got Nico and Laura, so I’ll be fine.”

“Did you remember your name?” Andrew sounded like he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t. He just couldn’t. 

“No, but I gave myself one.” Neil grinned. “Nathaniel Hartford. It just felt right.”

Andrew was taken back to the Airport. Where Neil had told Andrew his real name. That little bit of trust. Of honesty. It seemed like centuries ago, but it was only nine years ago. In another dimension, he could have had both Kevin and Neil. In this one, he had neither. 

His teeth worked together, grinding hard. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He didn’t trust himself to say ‘Neil Josten’ straight to his face. 

Andrew’s phone went off in his pocket, saving him from having to answer. 

Kevin’s name popped up on his screen. Andrew wanted to decline it, he was not in the mood for Kevin Day’s bullshit in this current moment. 

Andrew picked up because it gave him a reason not to talk to Neil. 

“What do you want, Day?” Andrew grunted. 

“You’re dick.” Kevin slurred, drunk as a sailor. He had broken his year long sobriety. The fucking junkie. “Andrew...I want your dick!” 

Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. 

“Kevin.” He scolded. He was not in the mood for Kevin’s drunk ranting. The last time Kevin had been drunk, he forcibly kissed Andrew without asking. Andrew had given him a lesson after that, with his knives. The next morning, Kevin had approached Andrew and promised he’d never drink again. 

“Andrew.” Kevin whined back. “I know I can’t...that I can’t say that words but I want it.” Kevin meant the word ‘please’. Andrew was shocked that in his drunken daze that he still remembered. “I want you.” 

Andrew had half the mind to hang up but then Kevin had mumbled that last line. 

“Kevin, you’re drunk.” Andrew deadpanned. Neil snickered behind him, reminding him that he was still there. 

“Oh...oh shit.” Kevin cursed. “Damn it, Oh- Andrew I’m sorry! I broke the promise.” 

“I didn’t expect you to keep it.” 

“It’s just because it’s Neil’s day and I miss him and he’s all I can think about and I still love him and I don’t like that he’s dead and I want to kiss him and you -I wanna kiss you!” 

Andrew hung up. He couldn’t deal with this right now. He’s very close to an overwhelmed break down. Bad shit happens when he has breakdowns, and he didn’t want to deal with the fall out from whatever stupid shit he did. 

“Who knew Kevin Day was actually gay.” Neil chuckled, low enough to be a whisper. “Nico’s gonna flip.”

“Don’t you-”

“Don’t worry, your secrets safe with me.” Neil smiled warmly, scars stretching on his cheeks in such a ugly way. “You’re all done.” 

Andrew checked himself in the mirror, hair cut done. Time to say goodbye to Neil Josten once again.

Up at the counter, Andrew paid with a hundred bill, even though the hair cut was forty dollars. Neil slipped a piece of paper Andrew’s way, a number scribbled on it. Andrew’s fingers flexed And he pocketed the note, leaving Neil behind once more.


	2. Deflated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone give Andrew a break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !TRIGGER WARNING! RECOUNTED RAPE EXPERIENCE

Andrew assumed that Kevin would be passed out by the time he got home, considering how drunk he had been over the phone. However, Kevin was stumbling around the living room of their large hotel, a bottle of vodka loosely clutched in his hand. 

When the door closed, Kevin looked up with a startle and dropped the bottle. It fell onto the expensive rug, spilling out all over the soft white. 

“Andrew!” Kevin grinned, tripping over the bottle when he started for Andrew’s direction. “Oops...”

“Kevin, go to bed.” Andrew grunted, setting his bag down on the table to unpack all the stuff he had bought today. He stiffened when Kevin came up behind him, caving him against counter. “Back up.”

“Come in- with me, Drew.” Kevin’s eyes are hooded and his lips are sticky with alcohol, upturned and loopy. He looked too much like Drake, like Proust, like James, like John, like Vincent- 

“Like old times.” Kevin hummed, stepping closer. 

“Kevin.” Andrew grabbed the wrist that came up next to his face as Kevin tried to card through his hair. Kevin’s eyes were covered in a fog, diluting the stunning emerald of the irises. He, regretfully, made Andrew scared. 

“Andrew,” Kevin visibly deflated, shoulders slacking and his huge body leaning on Andrew’s small one so he was hidden in the foreboding shadow. “Andrew, I’m so lonely. I follow you around, hoping that you’ll love me again but it’s been eight-nine years now and...and now Neil’s gone I have got...I’ve got nobody. I know you only ever put up with me because Neil likes me, but I still...I want you, Drew.” 

Andrew’s whole body was drawn taut. Kevin was too close to him, after he had been warned to back off so Andrew didn’t trust him with anything else. Andrew didn’t want to hurt Kevin, but he would if he had to. 

Kevin was still drunkenly grumbling about things that Andrew didn’t want to hear like ‘if you could even pretend, that would be enough.’ And ‘Neil’s favourite had always been you, I was just an add on for a good time.’ Granted, there was a lot more stuttering and slurring of words, but Andrew got the message very clearly. 

Kevin hadn’t talk about this thing he, Neil and Andrew had since the week after Neil’s death. Kevin had wanted the greif fucked out of him, but had been declined with a very poisonous no. He’d asked if Andrew they’d still be together and Andrew had lied and said they never were. It hadn’t been acknowledged or brought up since. 

Andrew didn’t know why he was shocked to hear Kevin say that he had always been the add on since Andrew was the one to put that idea in his head. 

“Kevin. You weren’t the add on. I wanted you there just as much as Neil did, now stop being stupid.” Andrew shoved the drunk man back, not watching as he fell onto his ass. “And I told you to stop.” 

Andrew left Kevin on the floor and went off to his room. 

-

The digital clock on the bedside table provided the only light in the whole room. It read a irritating 3:48 in angry red lights. 

Andrew couldn’t sleep, the number in his hand kept him awake. It was in messy writing, 0’s to big and 7’s back-to-front. It was likely that Neil had to learn how to write and spell and read again, explaining the childish handwriting. 

It was clearly a phone number. It was clearly Neil asking him to call. For a hook-up or for a date. Andrew had almost entered it into his phone more than once. He couldn’t ring up at this hour and he knew he shouldn’t ring at all, but he also knew that he would. 

Then, he thought about Kevin. Should he tell Kevin? If nothing was going to come of this, no. If they were going to bring Neil back to life, yes. 

Then his thoughts betrayed him with the idea of slipping into Kevin’s room. He would be sober by now, hopefully, and able to control himself. 

“Like old times.” Andrew whispered. He remembered those times. He remembered cornering both the junkies after winning a game in the locker room. It would be empty and, still flying high on adrenaline, they fuck right there. Neil on his knees with his mouth stuffed, Kevin taking all of Andrew but still begging for more. 

Andrew grunted out loud. He stirred up at the memory and at the one that followed after that. Going into Kevin’s room would be torture for the both of them, it would be like giving a heroin addict a shot after so many years of barely avoiding one. In a way, they were addicted to each other. To their presence, smell, sight, familiarity. Andrew and Kevin were addicted to each other, that’s why, after nine years, they couldn’t leave the other in the past. 

Andrew wanted, desperately, to relieve his crave for Kevin. He wanted to smell the rich scent of citrus soap, sweat and alcohol on Kevin’s skin; under his arms, his navel, his throat. He wanted the pads of Kevin’s fingers, firm and determined in their quest to remember every inch of him. He wanted Kevin’s voice; three octaves higher; purring, yearning, begging. 

After this afternoon, when Kevin’s vodka fogged mind didn’t stop when he had been told, Andrew knew that everything he wanted -craved for- couldn’t happen. Not any time soon. Not ever. Andrew couldn’t ignore it in favour of his wants. Kevin was a different man when drunk, he had no care in the world for what Andrew told him not to do. Kevin’s intoxicated haze filtered through every word and discards whatever he does not want to hear. 

Besides, there was Neil. Neil Josten. Andrew couldn’t -wouldn’t- do anything with Kevin because it felt like cheating Neil. Like Andrew didn’t need him. Of course, he needed Kevin just as much. 

Andrew Just knew that there would be a moment, he’d get so caught up in Kevin that he’d forget that there was no Neil. It would feel so right, so very right. It would be just like it had back in college. Andrew would be kissing Kevin’s chest and neck, driving in slowly and tauntingly, Kevin would be dying a beautiful death with soundless moans escaping his open mouth, Andrew would smooth one hand out along the bed beside them, searching for the missing piece. He’d never find it. He mumble out a Neil? and get no answer. Kevin would stop and Andrew would realise what he’d done. They’d sop. Andrew would roll away and leave for the balcony, cigarette lit between his fingers before he even left the room. 

Andrew knew everything that would happen, spelt it out for himself, made lists of pros and cons and why he shouldn’t and why he should. He told himself that he knew the both of them inside out and back-to-front. He told himself that he had a hand that he could use to release himself. He told himself that he didn’t need Kevin’s larger, callous and scarred hands. 

That was his mistake. 

Thinking of those hands. 

Those hands were huge, twice the size of Andrew’s own. 

They were rough from Exy and Riko and life. 

They were gentle, rubbing and firm and pleasurable. 

They knew how best to unwind Andrew. 

They were Kevin’s hands. 

With a hand, not Kevin’s one but his own, pressing down on his pant front, and the other finding Kevin’s contact, Andrew took that shot willingly. 

Kevin was a deep sleeper, but he still picked up. 

“I’m across the hall.” Kevin grumbled. 

“Kevin...I can’t...just...” Andrew sneered into the microphone. He didn’t want to say, ‘I need your hands on my skin again.’ It was too difficult. “If you’re fully sober...yes or no?” 

Kevin let out a heavy, weighted breath. He sounded exhausted. 

“You expect me to come crawling just because you’re horny?” Kevin scoffed. “I’ve spent nine years, nine fucking years, wanting to mean something to you, and this is what you give me? I’m not another Roland, Andrew.”

Andrew hadn’t been expecting that. He had deflated at Kevin’s vicious tone of voice. His words stung like whip burns. They set his flushed skin burning. 

“Ask me when you want something other than a fuck.” And Kevin hung up. 

Andrew drew his hand up. Not Kevin’s hand. He grasped the thick sheets with it, threw his phone hard enough for a smash to be echoed around the whole apartment and covered his whole body in the bedding. 

Both of the men Andrew craved had slipped through his fingers. He thought he could hold onto both of them. Then one slipped. He latched onto the other, just not in the right way, from the wrists when he should have latched onto the hips, hand, waist, shoulders, neck. And now, Andrew crushed his eyes shut as he felt Kevin, finally, slip through the gaps of his fingers that should have been tighter. 

-

Andrew stayed in bed until he knew Kevin had left to the court. He didn’t need the silence that would be different from all the other silences. He was used to silence, but he didn’t think he could stand it today. 

Instead, he dragged his body that felt like a sack of stones out of bed. He grabbed his phone that was still in the place he had thrown it. The screen was smashed, splinters of glass catching on the pads of his thumbs. It didn’t draw blood, but if grazed. He slipped the battered phone into he pocket of his hoodie and left for the kitchen. 

The apartment felt unusually cold. Andrew hadn’t bothered to put socks on, and the tiles were cold as ice on the undersides of his feet. 

He opened the fridge to find a smoothie bowl topped with berries and kiwi fruit, banana and even a few almonds. Andrew had heard the blender going this morning, but he just assumed Kevin was making one of those god awful protein smoothies. 

There was a sticky note attached to the bowl. 

Just eat it. 

Andrew ate it, it was a mango flavour. He put the empty bowl back in the fridge, on it a note that read, fine. 

Afterwards, he showered, dangerously hot water turning his pasty pale skin to a prickly red. His skin sung, each nerve alive with the steady stream of water cleaning him. 

Andrew’s hand ducked down, shame choking him moans. He was ashamed of this, of the wanting. 

Andrew was taken back to those days of being a boy, showering after Drake’s torture. How his body betrayed him by stirring, no, stirring was what happened when he made out with Neil on the couch in their dorm room, low and sensual and marvellous. Stirring was when Kevin pulled Andrew onto his lap and sucking at his neck, shoulders, pressed his prints into Andrew skin like tattoos that were invisible to everyone else. 

What his body did when Drake hurt him was up. Andrew hated every single second with Drake, despised and loathed every touch, ignored plea, invasion, but his body betrayed him like so many other victims. The body, the organs, were indifferent to consent. The body reacted to feeling, not thought. If Andrew was punched, it hurt. If he was pinched, he winced. If he was tickled, he laughed. If hands, unwanted or otherwise, rubbed him, jabbed him in the spot that had drove Neil crazy with pleasure, he went up. 

He had been told, well since you had an erection than it must have been consensual. It made him sick. 

Now, in that spacious shower, he felt like that same boy. He felt the phantom feeling of blood running down the insides of his legs, though he knew it was just water. He felt the phantom pain, the aching of bruises and of his lower back, but most of all was his hole. 

Andrew snarled at himself, growled out as his arm shook on the tiles and his knees gave a terrifying tremble. 

His mind murdered him by flashing between memories. One second he saw Proust behind his eyes, dark, evil, villainous. Next he saw Neil, back arched, hands gripping the pillow behind his head, releasing filthy sounds. Then Drake, the fan whirring behind his head as his fist drew up, curling back like a viper preparing to strike. Before; Kevin with one hand in Andrew’s hair and the other trying to find grip on the damp tiles, chanting random praise while Andrew swallowed down. 

Finally, with a sob that had been repressed the whole time, Andrew climaxed. It didn’t feel good, it felt dirty and foul and disgusting. 

Andrew hurried out, fighting his legs to stay stand long enough to get changed. He needed clothes between him and the room-the world. His stomach vibrated with nausea, bile rising in his throat just like a scream. 

He should call Bee or Renee, call someone to tell him that he was okay. Bee wouldn’t pick up, she’d be asleep and Renee was on her honeymoon. 

Andrew slipping the phone from the back pocket of his dirty tracksuit pants and dialled a number. 

“Nathaniel Hatford, speaking.” The voice was soothing. He sounded happy. He sounded safe. He sounded alive. “Hello?” 

“Hi.” Andrew found his voice, although the acidic taste of stomach bile made him blanch. 

“Andrew Minyard, what a surprise!” Neil laughed. He laughed and Andrew felt lighter instantly. “I honestly didn’t think you were going to call, but I’m not complaining.” 

Andrew hummed. He didn’t have anything to say. It had only, really, just occurred that he had actually rung Neil. It wasn’t a conscious thought. He wasn’t going to call the number, but he had. 

“So,” Neil said when the line went quiet, “are you going to ask me out on a date or not?” 

Andrew had to snort. This Neil was so straightforward. This Neil knee what he wanted and took it. Of course, the last Neil had done that too, but this was different somehow. 

“What’s the best coffee shop at the mall?” Andrew dragged himself off the bathroom floor with one strong arm on the sink. 

“I’m working for another two hours, meet me at the shop and I’ll take ya there.” Neil offered. 

“Okay.”

“Yes, okay- Nico don’t drink the hair dye!” The line went dead and Neil disappeared again. Andrew set the lifeless phone down and stared himself down in the bathroom mirror. 

The bags under his eyes were heavy and dark and he looked halfway dead. 

Andrew told him that he didn’t care what others thought. But that irritating voice in the back of his head replied, but this is Neil. 

Andrew dabbed some concealer under his eyes and left it at that.


	3. Doubt

Andrew sat there, next to the client Neil was seeing. Neil only tried to include him in the conversation once or twice, but then he got the idea that Andrew was not keen on talking to this Karen looking bitch. 

At one point Neil reached over to card his fingers through Andrew’s hair a few times. Andrew fought to not close his eyes. 

“It was looking a bit flat.” Neil said, sliding these plastic gloves on to start dyeing the woman’s hair a very stereotypical shade of blonde. Andrew just grunted and whipped out his phone. 

There was a reminder across his screen, disrupting his wallpaper of a frog. He didn’t remember why it was a frog. It just was a frog. 

The reminder said, “Nieces birthday.” 

Thing is, now he couldn’t remember which niece. Aaron had two kids, both girls. Oh, but they were twins. That is why Andrew would not be having kids, because he was more likely to have twins and no way in hell was he dealing with that. 

He sent a quick, noncommittal message to Aaron and stuffed his smashed phone into his pocket again. 

Andrew observed Neil.

Neil seemed to find social interaction easy enough, much more than he used. The way he easily glided from one topic of conversation to the next, smooth, not forced. Nicky would be pleased. 

On top of his better social skills, Neil’s whole demeanour was smoother. He almost flowed when he walked, so comfortably himself that his movements carried like a gentle stream. 

Before, at Palmetto, Neil was jerky. Each move almost looked like a flinch or a startle. Now, he looked real. As real as Neil Josten could be. 

As well as moving smoothly, he looked smooth. His legs were shaved and soft, arms to match. He hadn’t grown any facial hair back in college, but somehow even his face looked smoother. Aside from all the scars that is. 

“Staring.” Neil chuckled, folding a foil into the ladies hair. Andrew grunted and Neil smirked his way. 

Sitting on the roof, back to Kevin’s chest and Neil sitting across from his, eyes watching as Andrew let the smoke escape from his nostrils. 

“Staring,” Andrew would say. 

“Shhh.” Kevin would whisper softly. Neil would grin. 

It was so easy. It had been so easy. 

Now, everything was so, so difficult. It was difficult to just breathe. 

Finally, fucking finally, the two were walking out. The mall was even more busy than it had been yesterday, probably because it was a weekend. 

Neil was chatting contently, his lips upturned into an easy smile as he pointed and explained. He switched into German a few times without realising, mainly when talking about his friends. Neil had always held his friends in the highest possible regard, it made sense that that part hadn’t changed. 

Andrew found himself wondering what would happen if the old Foxes knew that Neil was alive and kicking. Dan and Matt wouldn’t be able to contain themselves. They’d fly over to Germany as soon as they got the news. Just the thought had him sick. 

Andrew shouldn’t be keeping this hidden. And hadn’t been the only person the only person Neil had cared deeply for. Matt should know, Kevin should definitely know. Andrew had said he would tell them if he planned on bringing Neil back, but he was kidding himself. He couldn’t let go of him again. 

First, he had to tell Neil who he was. 

With a heavy sigh, Andrew decided he’d get past this date before he did anything. No doubt Neil would be scared and do something stupid. 

Neil suddenly turned, herding Andrew into a small little cafe with yellow lighting and brown leather booths. 

“Welcome!” The waitress grinned in German. 

Neil’s reply was a breezy ‘good afternoon’ as he directed Andrew to the last booth. They sat across from each other, Andrew’s feet floating off the ground due to his short height. 

“So,” Neil clapped, “isn’t it usually a good three days before the call?” 

“Yeah, well, I’m not usual.” Andrew grunted, picking the menu up to hide his face. 

“Very mysterious.” Neil chuckled. He too skimmed the menu. “With your all black outfits and cigarette smoke, blank faced bad boy with a dark back story.”

“Bingo.” 

“I love a good mystery boy.” Neil smirked, ankle brushing Andrew’s. Andrew represented his shiver and flagged down the waitress. After they ordered, Neil continued. “You are probably the most interesting person I’ve met. All I know is your name, but I feel like I know more. It’s a weird feeling.” 

Andrew hummed, nodding his head once. He couldn’t say anything about it. He couldn’t tell. 

Conversation carried along easy enough. It was the first date awkwardness, but Andrew had never been on a date, so he didn’t really seem too bothered. Or at least he hoped that’s how he seemed. 

After a second coffee on Neil part and a third hot chocolate on Andrew’s, they set off. 

“Where too next?” Neil had more of a cheerful bounce to his step. Either from added caffeine in his system, or he was actually enjoying Andrew’s questionable company. 

“Next?” Andrew arched a perfect eyebrow. 

“Yup- oh!” Neil grinned and snatched up Andrew upper arm. As a result, he felt his skin begin to crawl with disgust and fire. He began to pull it away, the sensation died down which left him a little shocked. “Take me to the Exy court! I wanna see what you do for a living.” 

Kevin would be at the court. 

Kevin. 

Andrew had been about to decline with a very blunt ‘no’ when he spot the flash of a camera. 

“Fucking Paparazzi!” He hissed. Neil gazed at him in confusion before he coacht sight of the group of people approaching them. “Meet me at the main entry.”

Andrew shoved Neil away who, thankfully, started in the direction of the main entry which was back the way they had come. Andrew parked at the opposite end of the mall. 

He strode on through the journalists and gossip magazines. He had recently found himself on the front of a teen magazine, one of those ones with the posters and the teen gossip ones. They had made a lot of comments on his broad stature. 

“Andrew! Andrew!”

“Mr Minyard!”

“Minyard!” 

“An-“

“Who was that man?” 

“Who was he?” 

“Any comments regarding your rumoured sexuality?”

“Yeah, fuck off.” Andrew snarled back. Kevin would scold him for that later. 

“Was that a lover?” 

“It’s been nine years since Neil Josten’s death-“

“Any comment on Neil Josten’s anniversary?” 

“Does Kevin know that you are here-”

“Are you and Kevin Day involved in a relationship?”

“Any comment on Neil Josten’s death?”

“Who?” Andrew couldn’t help but snap. He hated paparazzi more than anything. 

“You’re old teammate!” One reporter cried .

“You’re late boyfriend.” Another yelled. 

“How would Neil feel now that you are moving on with a another man?” 

Andrew’s fist was colliding with the man’s throat before he could finish the sentence. His fist came back prickled by the mans facial hair. 

The report he had struck crumpled to the ground while others jumped back in shock. Andrew pushed through the remaining ones, ignoring their questions about Neil, about Kevin. 

Kevin was going to be furious with him when he found out. Andrew would give it an hour before Kevin was blowing up his phone. 

No doubt, Kevin would be asking questions on who the man was too. Would Andrew tell him everything? Say it was just a hookup? Tell him the truth aside from the Neil part? 

He’d have to figure it out soon, but right now he had to escape the hounding reporters. He didn’t want to run or jog but he did walk as fast as he could. 

Eventually, he found his car with Neil sitting on the hood, eyes glued to his phone. At the sound of the car unlocking, Neil looked up. 

“They’ve already crowned me your boyfriend.” He laughed, showing Andrew his screen. It was a Twitter feed, #AndrewMinyardBoyfriend and there were picture of them both everywhere with captions by people who thought it was their business to give an opinion on. 

I’m the photo, Andrew’s hand was settled on the small of Neil’s back with his fingers grabbing the shirt. All the while, Neil is clinging to his arm, grinning and fluttering his fucking beautiful eyelashes. 

There was no changing that, it was obvious that no half assed story his management would write for him would work. 

Andrew was just thankful that you couldn’t see Neil’s face or that would be a whole new problem. It the public found out who Neil was before Andrew got to tell him, than there would be no question that Neil would hate him. But he didn’t have to worry about that right now. 

Andrew’s phone started to vibrate in his back pocket. Either Kevin or his manager. He didn’t know which one he would prefer. 

Kevin. 

“What do you want Day?” Andrew said blankly. 

“Y’know, you’re a lying, manipulative, cheating monster, Andrew Minyard.” Kevin spat at him, words venomous and sharp enough to slash through Andrew’s blank exterior. 

“It took you ten years to figure that out?” Andrew motioned for Neil to get into the car. Neil reluctantly followed. “Seriously, Day, you should have listened to Allison more.”

“Put me on speaker.” Kevin demanded. “Now.” 

Andrew had slung himself into the car by this point, meaning Neil was sitting right next to him. Whatever Kevin was going to say was for Neil. Andrew just hoped that if Neil were to snap back, the phone would disguise his voice. 

“There’s no need-”

“He’s with you, I know he is!” Kevin yelled. “Put me on speaker so I can tell him what you asked me for last night.” 

“No, Kevin. There is no need.” 

Neil snatched the phone out of Andrew’s hands. Andrew couldn’t snatch it back because Neil was talking. He was fucking-the idiot!

“Hello, Kevin.” Neil greeted, sounding fake. “Yup, Yup, it is I.” 

Andrew turned the car on and gassed it out of the parking lot when a man with a camera came out of the exit. This was not how he wanted this day to go. It had started terribly, Andrew thought being with Neil would help and it had, but now it’s been ruined. 

“No, no, no.” Neil chuckled. “No- hey now, no need to speculate what my mouth does in its free time. Talk shit mostly. Look, I’m not dating Andrew. We went out for coffee and I was begging him to go to the court-fucking mighty Kevin Day owns the court now does he?” 

“Fuck.” Andrew growled. Neil and Kevin had always bickered, but he had had a break from it, now he was remembering how painful it was. 

The only way this would make sense is if Andrew told them what was going on and that was not happening. Not today. 

Neil shoved the phone in Andrew’s general direction after he angrily hung up. 

“You’re boyfriend is a fucking asshole.” He grumbled, clicking his belt into place and lounging back on the leather seat of the Mercedes. 

“He’s not-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Neil waves him off dismissively. “But, like, why are you bothering with me when you have him? He already wants you and he’s not ace so why not?”

Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose, a headache’s dull throb appearing behind his eye. 

“Back in college, Kevin and I had a sexual relationship. The year after, Neil Josten joined the Foxes and...well he brought Kevin and me to be in something important.” Andrew watched his knuckles go white as his grip tightened. Beside him, Neil hummed, he was listening. 

“Neil was...he was demi...it took awhile of both Kevin and me silently pining until Neil figured out that he wanted us as well. After that, we all had something that we hadn’t before, something we wanted to keep.”

Andrew swerved away from a car he almost hit. The driver showed him the finger but Andrew was too far in his head to be affected by the near fatality. Neil, however, yelped and grabbed onto the handle above the window. 

“Neil, Kevin and me had all been through unbelievable things. We had survived through the worst things and not one of us was fine. Neil Said he was. He was tortured by a horrible man, but he said he was fine. Neil, he was the son of a mob boss and he had stolen several million dollars from him. So, obviously, his father wanted to kill him. And he succeeded.”

Andrew’s voice was rough and his chest tight with the feeling of loss. He had lost both of them. Everyone. It tore his chest open. 

“After, Kevin and I...we couldn’t. I couldn’t.” Andrew wanted to punch something. His fists shook with the intensity of the feelings built up in his small body. They were bubbling over, his lid was going to blow any minute. 

“You won’t have one without the other?” 

“I can’t.” Andrew corrected. 

“So you’re trying something different with me? Can’t have them apart so have someone else entirely?” Neil didn’t seem offended by that. He seemed like normal, blank but it was clear a cheeky smile was just seconds away. 

“No.” Andrew shook his head. “I can only have them. There is nobody else. You just...you’re so much like him.” 

“Great!” Neil chuckled. “The first time I’m actually into a guy, turns out he only wants me around because I remind him of his dead boyfriend!” Neil did seem offended by that, however. He seemed very offended by that. 

“You can drop me off here.” Neil pointed to the corner of two streets. “The bus to my place leaves from there.”

Andrew indicated to the side of the road and stopped long enough for Neil to slam the door on him before speeding off. 

Why did he think the if he told him that it would change something? Obviously it would just make him mad. 

Andrew slammed his hands down onto the steering wheel, drawing attention from startled passerby’s. He was such a fucking idiot. He was blinded by the fact the Neil was alive, he didn’t think properly. He didn’t think it through. He thought he knew what to do, but he was so out of his depth in this. He was in the marianna trench. 

He had to deal with Kevin once he got home as well. 

There was no world where this whole thing wouldn’t be difficult, but Andrew somehow hoped that it would be easier than this. 

Andrew drove home. Ever Meter he moved felt like he was creeping closer and closer to death. But finally he was sat in the living room of the empty hotel room, a coffee that was too strong for him heating his hands. 

It was quiet. 

Too quiet. 

Not for long. 

The door opened.


	4. Deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst but make it gay✨  
> Also, Neil is wearing a skirt so you’re all welcome

“So,” Kevin dumped his bag full of Exy gear on the dinning room table, “when’d you meet him?”

Kevin was icily cold and calm. He was so blank that it was painfully obvious that he was putting every pit of control he had into keeping it inside. 

“Yesterday.” Andrew sipped at his coffee. He hadn’t put any sugar in it and it tasted like actual dirt. It kept him grounded and kept him not comfortable. “And, because you cannot seem to get it through you’re head, there is nothing between us.”

“Just like there was nothing between us!” Kevin burst. His fist slammed on the table, teeth baring. He looked animalistic and savage. He looked mad. 

“No.” Andrew sighed. “He and I have nothing.” 

“Bullshit, Andrew.” Kevin stormed over. Andrew’s heart rate skyrocketed. Fight. Don’t let him touch you. Kill him. “You’re a Monster. I didn’t see it before, but I see it now. Neil and i were idiots for thinking you could be anything else but a psychopathic, manipulative, sick, fucking waste of oxygen Monster.” 

Kevin grabbed Andrew by the front of his shirt and yanked him up so hard Andrew’s feet floated off the floor. 

“You deserve all of it.” Kevin seethed. “You deserve everyone whose ever spent their fucking time on you to leave!”

“Yet you’re still here, Kevin.” Andrew shoved Kevin back, releasing himself. He stabilised on his feet before he charged forward. Andrew’s hands wrapped around Kevin’s throat, stubby and knuckles scared from splitting them all the time. 

“You are right.” Andrew seethed. “I’m a terrible person. I’ve always have been one and I always will. But, here’s the thing, if you think for a fucking second that some random ass hairdresser is worth more of my time than you, you are sorely fucking mistaken.”

“You sure show that well.” Kevin snapped, shrugging Andrew off him. “All I’ve ever done is stick here, even if it holds me back or hurts me-“

“Suck it up-“

“Because you actually mean shit to me, jackass.” Kevin’s flawless Irish skin was an ugly shade of furious red. It proved just how mad Andrew had made him. How badly he fucked it up. 

“If it’s so difficult for you, then leave.” Andrew rolled his eyes and collected his coffee. The air was so taut with tension it could snap any second now and suffocate them both. 

“Don’t you get it?” Kevin cried. “I can’t leave you! I fucking need you.” 

Andrew paused. 

He needed Kevin too. 

Kevin pauses too. His body ridged in fear that he had said way too much. He must be thinking how Andrew would kill him for being dependent on a ticking bomb. Like such an idiot. Who needs a rabid dog? Who needs a live volcano? Who needs a decaying star? 

“Idiot.” Andrew hissed. “I said it before, and you know I don’t like repeating myself, but I’ll say it again.” 

Andrew slowly approached Kevin like a lion taunting a gazelle. His eyes hooded and dark from all the years of built up rage simmering at the top. Body slack in a way that only meant terrible things were to come. 

Andrew reached his hand out and it clasped down on Kevin’s neck, tugging him right in front of his face. For the first time in years, the two dared the same air. They breathed into each other’s slack mouths and their foreheads -sticky with angry sweat- supported each other. 

“I am not your answer,” Andrew whispered, “and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.” 

“I don need an answer.” Kevin mumbled. 

“I hate you.” Andrew sneered which only meant that he hated how Kevin felt. Kevin knew what the word hate meant when coming from Andrew. He smiled. 

“Of course you do.” Kevin hovered his hands over Andrew’s shoulders, not touching. This was the difference between drunk Kevin and sober Kevin. This was the real Kevin. “I won’t drink anymore.” 

“You said that last time.” Andrew rose an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, well, this time I’ll have someone to help me.” Kevin quipped. 

“I hate you.” Andrew said again, moving away before he did something he’d regret. Kevin looked mildly disappointed but like he had expected it. Andrew wasn’t going to ignore everything, that was known. He certainly wasn’t one for makeup sex. 

“Let me meet this hairdresser, at least.” Kevin tried out the waters, voice sounding unsure. This was new territory, so Andrew wouldn’t blame him for the awkwardness. “He sounds very fiery.” 

“Just your type, now isn’t it Day?” Andrew tipped his coffee down the sink. There was no way he could drink it. When he looked up, Kevin was staring shocked at him. “Stop with that face, idiot.”

“Do you mean what I think you mean?” Kevin took a seat on the couch, too long limps stretching out along the cushions. 

“Maybe.” Andrew started on making a white chocolate mocha. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“So, there is something?” Kevin bit at his nails. Andrew wanted those hands. He scolded himself. Not now. Later maybe. Hopefully. 

“No, I don’t lie Kevin.” Andrew glared him down. “There could be, if I fixed a few things up.” 

Kevin nodded, face turning crumpled like it did when he was thinking too hard about something. He was going to get wrinkled if he kept doing it. 

Andrew mixed some caramel sauce into his coffee and walked over to the couch. Standing in front of Kevin, Andrew knocked his face up. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew said, monotone. 

“Yes,” Kevin sighed, eyes falling shut instantly. 

Andrew leant forward. He paused right before he was touching. Eight years since he had last done this. When they touch, it felt like it had only been hours. 

Andrew was back on the dorm room couch, Kevin sat beneath him, hands in his hair, skimming his neck and making him shiver. 

Kevin’s mouth was open, an invite to keep going. Andrew had only meant for a quick kiss. That was like an addict say one glass. 

Andrew lowered down onto Kevin’s lap and pushed him back to lean on the couch. He took the Irish mans hands from digging into the sofa cushions to his waist where the fingers, rough and tortured, wound in the fabric of his jumper. 

Kevin tasted like mint and coffee, not like how he used to taste, protein shakes and gum. He was much broader under Andrew’s hands as well. No longer a young man but someone who finally grew into their shirt shoulders. 

Andrew wanted to take his hands over the new muscles but he knew that would be the end of it. He’d loose all self control. He’d already lost too much, he didn’t need to loose all of it. 

Kevin, however, was gone. He would let Andrew do whatever he wanted. There was no way this man would say no to anything right now. He sat there, only movement was his mouth as he waited for Andrew to arrange him however he pleased. 

Kevin’s teeth grazed his bottom lip, making the skin there alive. 

Andrew badly wanted to release all of the built up lust inside him. Ground down his hips. Unzip pants. Rip off shirts. Shove Kevin down. Use mouth and hands to unleash all of the craving. 

Kevin took his mouth away and it felt like air had been stripped from Andrew’s lungs. He hadn’t remembered needing to breath, but now he struggled to get oxygen into his lungs. 

Kevin panted on his throat, nose so close it tickled. It was obvious he was trying not to attack the soft, pale skin there. 

“No,” Andrew breathed when he could. 

It’s too much too soon. 

Not today. 

Kevin nodded and collapsed back against the couch, soft smile on his lips. His strong chest heaved with the struggle of breathlessness. They both looked like they had ran one of Wymack’s marathons. 

Andrew picked himself up, reaching for his now cold coffee and a packet of cigarettes. 

He noticed Kevin’s slight tent in the same moment Kevin noticed his. There was a mutual agreement for more later and Andrew left for the balcony to calm himself down. 

—— 

It had been three days since Neil stormed away from Andrew. He wasn’t originally going to reach out again, he was just going to live with it. Renee changed his mind, though. 

He told her over a phone call that morning, that Neil was alive. She made a very convincing argument to reach out to him again. So, Andrew gripped his phone, number entered in and ready to dial. 

Kevin was out grocery shopping so Andrew sat all alone in the cold room. 

Finally, he pressed call. 

It rung and rung and rung. 

Just before Andrew was about to end it and take it as a sign or whatever, a voice came through. 

“So now you wanna wait three days?” He said, frustration clear in his voice. Andrew snorted at his sarcasm. Some things never change. 

“Do you want to go down to the court?” The offer was put out there, monotone and disgustingly hopeful. Neil wouldn’t hear it, but Andrew knew it was there. 

“Why?” Neil grunted. 

“Because.” Andrew answered. 

“Fine.” Neil scuffled around on the other end of the phone. “Pick me up from the University library.” 

“Be there in ten.” 

——

“I hope you know that I’m still pissed at you.” Neil’s first words to him were. He chucked his things into the car and sat down with a huff. The skirt he wore had ridden up his thighs and Andrew averted his eyes. Neil had never worn skirts before and Andrew was now just realising what a unfortunate thing that was. 

Neil had runners legs, long and lean and painted in pale scars. Andrew had quite obviously approved of these legs, namely the thighs that now more than ever gave the red heads body some shape. 

“What are you studying?” Andrew questioned, seeing a psychology text book sitting at Neil’s feet and used it as a topic he could hide behind. 

“I’m doing a degree in psychology, I’m going to specialise in memories and amnesia victims.” Neil waved a noncommittal hand. His hair was tidied up at the back of his head, a soft aqua colour. It had been purple last time they saw each other. 

Andrew hummed in acknowledgement. He began driving towards the public court. Their was several small courts and one big one. Andrew would rent out one of the small ones for a few hours so they wouldn’t be disturbed. 

Andrew planned to tell Neil who he was. He wanted them to be alone for that. Just in case he freaked out.

Renee has encouraged Andrew to tell him the truth. She talked about him getting his life back on track and taking something he wanted just because he could. She sounded a lot like Bee when she talked like that. It gave him a lot of comfort, especially since Betsy had been going in and out of hospital lately. Something about high risk of having a stroke. 

“You know,” Neil tapped the glove box with a pink nail, “I looked up you’re Ex-boy toy.” 

Andrew’s pulse flatlined. 

Firstly, of course Neil would do such a thing. He needed to know everything, so he found out himself. 

Second, what had he found?

“We look very similar, like you said.” Neil continued. “I guess I can’t blame you for wanting to know me. But here’s the real punch line: a lot of our scars match.”

Of course. 

Of course. 

Neil always knew more than Andrew. He didn’t know how he though he could keep it all a secret from Neil Josten. It was a simple google search away. 

“When were you going to tell me?” Neil asked, finally looking at Andrew, stiff in the driver’s seat. “Never?” 

“Now.” Was the cold reply. Warm hazel met freezing blue. Dark and liquid met eventual hypothermia. “You are Neil Abram Josten, previous starting striker for the Palmetto State Foxes. Your best friends was Matthew Boyd, Allison Reynolds and Nicky Hemmick. Your boyfriends were Andrew Minyard and Kevin Day. Your father is Nathan Something. Your favourite colour was orange or purple and your favourite food was fruit. You were killed by your father and tried to escape the US mob family, the Moriyama’s.” 

Neil nodded his head. He had probably grasped the last two already, when he figured it out so he mustn’t have been took shocked. He just stared at Andrew’s hand on the gear shift. 

Andrew remembered a night where they were in this same position. Andrew had just mentioned the name of his first abuser. It was quiet and Neil thought it over and Andrew tried not to bring back any more memories. Neil had reached out with that warped hand, let it hover over the pale white one before whispering their consent. Andrew whispered back and their fingers slid together. 

“It’s just a hand.”

“Yeah, but it’s your hand.” Neil smiled. 

In the precent day, Andrew reached out his hand, veins visible and thin bones outlines under the translucent skin. Their fingers hovered on top of Neil’s thigh, ruined with scars on that tanned skin. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked. He couldn’t whisper it. It seemed to soft for this situation. 

Neil’s eyes slowly slid up, chilling and empty. Their blue so pale in the light they almost blended in with the whites. But then they saw Andrew, really saw him. They saw him as the nineteen year old boy sitting on the rooftop, cigarette pressed between two fingers and the opposite two pressed to the pulse thumping in his throat. 

“It’s always yes with you.” 

The amount of relief that Andrew felt replace the stress was overwhelming. He felt free. After almost a decade he felt low he could breath. 

Kevin and Neil we’re back with him.


	5. Disappointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It sucks.

Kevin, uncharacteristically peppy, moved about the kitchen. He was cooking, which was a disaster waiting to happen, and he was humming a song that softly played from the TV. 

Kevin was bare foot. Andrew didn’t know why that was such a big deal, but it stood out to him immediately. Maybe because it meant he was comfortable, or because he was casual. It didn’t make any sense, but Andrew ticked it away for another time. 

Kevin looked at him as he entered the apartment. 

“You look happy.” Kevin smirked. It was really a smile, but smiling didn’t suit the man quite as much. “Oh, well, as happy as someone as dead inside as you can look.”

Andrew pointedly rolled him eyes, but they both noticed that ease to the set of his shoulders. The calmness that Andrew seemed to secrete today gave Kevin the confidence to walk over and lean down. 

“Yes or no?” 

Andrew sighed, grabbed Kevin by the scruff of his neck and bit back the former before expressing the emotions inside him through the kiss. The excitement, the fear, the joy, the anticipation. Everything came to life with that kiss. 

Andrew was up on the counter, Kevin between his jean clad thighs. 

They moved together, like water. Like there had never been a beat skipped between Palmetto State University and United States Olympics. 

Andrew loved and loathed the simplicity and the familiarity of Kevin’s large and callous hands on his waist, his shoulders, his scalp. Andrew hissed at the textured fingers on his soft skin. 

“I have news on the hairdresser.” Andrew some against Kevin’s ear. He got a hum in return. “He’s interested.”

“Hell yeah.” Kevin chuckled, eyes swirling deep with lust and want. “What does he look like?”

Andrew took a quick intake. This was how he was going to tell Kevin about Neil. Now. Neil Josten is alive and waiting for them. Everything was going to be okay. Hopefully. Andrew didn’t believe in hope, it had always been stupid, but now he felt a simmering of it bellow his diaphragm. He had half the mind to stomp it away, suppress it, but he let it stay there. He was healing and the first step was hope. 

“He wears skirts and crop tops.” Andrew muttered. Kevin grinned. “He’s short. Feisty. Witty. Viscous. Marvellous. An actual idiot. He’s got these blue eyes that make you shiver, like every bad thing you’ve ever done has just been released to the world. Full, red, soft lips with a sharp Cupid’s bow. His hair colour changes every week. It’s naturally red. He’s got British and American parents-"

“The fuck are you saying, Drew?” Kevin snapped. He had caught on by the eyes, Andrew had watched the fear and realisation cross his face for some time before it apparently it became too much for him to handle. “Either we both have a very exclusive type or... or Neil... what are you saying?”

“I found him, Kevin.” Andrew almost wanted to shout it. He’s wanted to shout it ever since his eyes caught on those scars. “He’s alive.”

“No, no.” Kevin left his body, flying into the opposite cabinet. His eyes were wide and raw, like they might start tearing up. His cheeks are red, probably from shock and his hand have to grip the marble bench top to stop from shaking. 

“That’s bullshit, Andrew!” Kevin yelled. “He’s...hes dead. We saw...the funeral...Stuart said...He’s dead.”

“He’s not, Kevin.” Andrew removed himself from the bench, body taking back its ridged state that he carelessly let drop. “I’ve seen him, spoken to him.”

“If he were alive, why the fuck didn’t he come back?” Kevin grabbed his own hair and yanked it. It made him wince. His hair was always such a sensitive part of his body, which came in useful back in college. “Why didn’t he come back to us?”

“He didn’t remember who he was. He had amnesia, forgot everything. I told him who he was just an hour ago.” Andrew knew that he was far to blank for this situation, but if Kevin wasn’t used to it by then there had to be a problem. “He wants to meet you.”

“Wait, wait.” Kevin’s eyes hooded. “So, you’re telling me that you’ve known that our boyfriend is alive for what, almost a week? Why the fuck am I just learning about it now?” 

“I needed to tell Neil first, to see what he wanted to do, before I told you. You’d instantly run off, find and tell him.” Andrew waved a hand that found its way into his back pocket to pull out a cigarette. He lit it and retreated to the balcony. 

“Why don’t you tell me things? Huh?” Kevin was yelling behind him. The neighbours must be getting sick of Kevin’s yelling by now. 

“I tell you what you need to know.” 

“You don’t think I needed to know this? My boyfriend! The one that I never got to properly mourn and I was just getting over all this fucking greif and anger and heartbreak! Now you come in here and tell me that he’s been alive the whole time and you’ve know and you didn’t tell me because I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW?”

Andrew sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He felt a migraine coming on, the dots in his eyes merely just an irritation at this second. 

“Just...go away, Kevin.” Andrew brushed him off. “His address is on a piece of paper in the back of my phone case.” 

Kevin left, more like stormed out of the apartment, only briefly stopping to grab the address. 

Andrew went to lay down, the piercing in his head only growing the more he thought about Neil and Kevin meeting again and the disasters that will follow. 

——

Neil didn’t know if he was allowed to tell Nico who he was, but he guessed it should probably wait for another day. At least. 

Neil was kind of nervous to see what Nico would say, especially to the fact that his supposed boyfriend was Kevin Day, who Nico loved more than the sun. 

Neil had asked Nico to put on an Exy game. He wanted to see how he used to play. Nico has found a Fox game from one of, if not the last game Neil had ever played. 

It was intriguing. He definitely seemed to know what he was doing, almost every goal he shot he got in, twisting away from the...backliners and running at speeds he hadn’t realised he could run. Neil was playing great, but Kevin seemed to scold him on everything. 

Neil and Kevin were bickering anytime possible. Neil didn’t know if that was an Exy thing, a Neil and Kevin thing or if they had just had an argument. Maybe all three. 

Neil discreetly flipped Kevin’s back off which made precent Neil chuckle. 

Nico seemed surprised that Neil actually appeared to be interested in the game, getting hyped when they scored and getting made when Andrew couldn’t keep them out. 

A pounding at the door distracted him from the game. It was too early to be their food and Neil was t expecting anyone. 

Wait! Maybe it’s Andrew and Kevin! 

“Hey Nico, I might need you to sneak out the back.” Neil grinned innocently. Nico eyed him with obvious confusion, but started packing up his stuff. 

“You know, that sounded a lot like a hookup. Do you have a boyfriend and you didn’t tell me?” Nico seemed offended. 

“No, god no.” Neil gave a breezy laugh and hurried Nico along. Nico crawled out a window in the bathroom that let him into a fire escape. He waved goodbye before rushing to the door. 

The angry knock came again. Neil opened the door. 

“Holy shit-“ Kevin had to grab the door frame as to not collapse. He was so much taller than Neil had expected. “Holy...Neil...”

“Hi, Kevin.” Neil grinned. 

That was all it took to have Kevin stride forward and sweep him up in those big Exy arms. He kicked the door closed and crushed Neil between the wall and his chest. 

Kevin went down to his knees and Neil almost told him to stop, thinking that Kevin was going to...blow him, but Kevin just hid his wet face in Neil’s stomach and wrapped his arms around his torso. 

“Neil...Neil...” he was mumbling. 

Neil remembered that Kevin had a sensitive scalp from somewhere in the back of his mind. So he pushed his finger into the black, soft strands. Kevin hummed as Neil massaged all over. 

“God, it’s you.” Kevin laughed, bellowed and happy. “It’s really you.” 

Neil slid down to sit with Kevin. 

“It’s me.” Neil said because what else was there to say? “You can kiss me. I might not be too enthusiastic, but you can.” 

Kevin pressed his cheek softly to the burn scar. Tattoo to scar. 

“No, its okay. I want you to enjoy it as much as I do.” Kevin whispered, fingers tracing up and down Neil’s thin arms. 

“I’m sorry that I don’t...” 

“No,” Kevin chuckled. “I don’t care. You’re back and that’s all that matters.” 

“Do you want some lunch? Coffee?” Neil combed through Kevin’s hair. 

“I don’t want to let go again.” Kevin mumbled, so quietly that Neil wouldn’t be able to hear if it weren’t right next to his ear. 

“Okay, couch?” Kevin nodded. He was dragged to the couch to rest on top of a solid chest. It might have felt weird if Neil hadn’t acquired a few memories exactly like this one. Neil and Andrew cuddled on the couch, kevin and Neil, Kevin and Andrew. Sometimes couch, sometimes bed, once or twice on a roof. 

Kevin’s arms still barricaded him close. Neil gave permission for Kevin to feel the bare skin of his back. Kevin sighed to feel the familiar scars and lovely warmth. 

Neil thought he heard Kevin say, “You’re not a ghost.” But he couldn’t be certain. 

Neil breathed in the sent of this new person. Orange body wash and an underlying smell of something more bitter. That bitter smell was a key to another unlocked memory. Neil, Kevin, pressed so tight in the shower they could have formed a single entity. That bitter smell was Kevin. 

The chest underneath him took in breath and let it out in a leaves manner. Kevin was dozing off underneath him. Neil took that opportunity to study him. The tattoo was of a fox paw under his eyes, right on the cheekbone. Damn, those cheekbones were as sharp as a knife. Same with the jaw. 

Kevin had these pink lips that definitely had to have gloss. They were soft looking and plump. Neil dragged the bottom one down with his thumb. Kevin’s hands contracted and relaxed on his back. 

Next, Neil took his thumb over his nose, the strong shape of it, the bump from a brake. Over the brow-bone, through the full and dark eyebrows. Gently over his eye, the lashes softly brushing against his fingers. 

It suddenly became very apparent to Neil just how much this man below him actually loved him. Andrew had canceled it so we’ll that Neil forgot that they hadn’t been able to let that overwhelming love for him go. Kevin was so open to Neil, it made him angry. Kevin loves who he had been, but would he feel this same about who he had become? 

“I’m sorry.” Neil whispered, smoothing his thumbs over high cheekbones. “You don’t deserve this.” 

Kevin leaned into his hands, rubbing into the scarred palms. He had a soft smile on those lips. He looked relaxed and happy. Neil did that. He gave him peace of mind and body by just existing. Kevin wanted him. Andrew wanted him. 

Speaking of, where was Andrew?

“Kevin?” Neil said. “Kevin, where’s Andrew?”

Kevin grumbled and brought Neil closer. 

“Pobably getting drunk or somting...” he drawled sleepily. “We fought, I left. Andrew doesn’t deal with his feelings well. I should call him.” He rubbed at his eyes. 

Neil hummed and shifted to the side so Kevin could grab the phone from his jean pocket. It took a minute of searching before Kevin held it to his ear. 

Another few seconds before it was picked up. 

“H-hi-“ That wasn’t Andrew’s voice.It was a woman’s. “oh my God. Um...who’s...who’s phone is this?”

“Why? What’s happened.” It sounded muffled on the other end. Loud. Chaotic. 

“There’s been a car crash. I-I found this phone...it was just out of- of his reach.” The woman was frantic. Stuttering, sniffing, choking. 

“Fuck.” Kevin hissed. They sat up, hearts beating so hard they threatened to burst. “Get him to hospital. Now!” 

The next half and hour was a blur. Out of the apartment, into the car, to the hospital, out of the car, into the hospital, fight with the nurses, be banished to the waiting room for two hours, fight with the nurses again, have Andrew crawl out of his hospital room at the sound of Neil and Kevin’s voices. 

“Get the fuck off me!” Andrew snarled at the nurses holding him and dragging him back into his room. 

“Don’t touch him!” Kevin yelled past another nurses shoulder. “He doesn’t like it! Stop it!” 

Neil Josten, former fastest player in Class 1 Exy, sprinted under the nurses arm and straight for Andrew. He dodged and twisted. He felt the thrill that he remembered from his time on court. 

He reached Andrew who looked as pale as a ghost, cuts everywhere, cheeks hollow and eyes with bags so dark it looked fit for a Tim Burton movie. 

“Stop touching him.” Neil hissed at the nurses. He reached out for Andrew’s shoulders. “Yes or no, Drew?” 

The nurses curiously let Andrew go, slowly. 

“Yes.” Andrew whispered. Neil wrapped one of Andrew’s arms around his shoulder and Kevin was there to grab the other. 

They escorted him back to his bed where nurses fussed over him with tubes and needs. He looked like he was struggling for consciousness. His eyes would slide close and then he’d spasm back to life, grabbing a nurse who tried putting those cuffs on his wrists. 

“It’s the meds.” Kevin explained. “Andrew was on some pretty strong mind altering medication for the better half of three years. Now he can’t even stand high dosage pain meds that make him loopy.” 

Neil nodded, mind whispering phrases to him from locked corners of his head. 

‘Court medicated drugs-“

“Beat up four guys-“

“Violent-“

“Monster-“

“Murderer-“

“An inch from death-“

“Psychotic-“

Andrew was struggling to stay awake on that bed as the nurses backed away. With what little energy he had left, he was glaring. It almost made him chuckle. 

The two men approached, catching Andrew’s loopy attention. The fight was slowly leaving him. His eyes cloudy with anaesthetic and moves slowed like a dying man. 

“Fucking...Junkie...” he grunted, ripping a boyish laugh straight from Kevin’s throat. Andrew moved his arms, showing the tight bandages wrapped wrist to elbow. “Knives.”

“I told you to stop wearing them.” Kevin shook his head but that got a glare from Andrew so he relaxed. “How much of a fucking idiot do you have to be to drive break neck speeds after just getting Neil back? What if you died, huh? All the shit would’ve been for nothing.”

Neil put a hand on Kevin’s chest, lightly pushing him away from the bed. 

“Kev, not now, okay?” Neil smiled softly. Not when they were finally, fucking finally all back together. Kevin nodded and moved to occupy the seat beside Andrew’s head. 

Neil, ever the menace, hoped right over to seat himself on the others lap, getting comfortable for the hours that loomed. Kevin became flustered immediately, spluttering and tensing, cheeks going bright and aggressively. 

“Don’t look so amused!” Kevin snapped at Andrew, even though he looked completely blank to Neil. He guessed that he had to relearn a lot about these two men. 

Neil sat sideways to be able to look at the drowsy man, legs swung over the arm and back propped on Kevin’s broad shoulders. 

“You want be able to play.” Kevin said after a few minutes. Andrew’s face scrunched but Neil guesses it was mostly from annoyance that disappointment. “You’re arms will be too weak.”

“Pity.” The sarcasm was dripping like sweat, even through the medicine. “Nicky?” 

“I’ll call him.” Kevin agreed. 

That probably wasn’t the best idea. Especially because Nicky wasn’t warned about the zombie lounging comfortably on Kevin’s solid thighs. 

It took a few minutes for Nicky to even realise, due to the sea looking cousin on the bed. However, when the electric man turned down a bit after Andrew’s venom, he noticed. 

“Neil?!” He screamed. Then cried. Then laughed. Then hugged him. Then apologised. “I’m sorry! I’m Nicky Hemmick, we were on the foxes together. I’m Andrew’s fabulous gay cousin.” Then he cried again when Neil hugged him. 

“I have to call Matt- and Dan- oh Allison will be pissed if I don’t tell her first!” Nicky was frantic again and Neil was honestly exhausted, but he already was in love with Nicky Hemmick. Someone from before. His friend. Who cared. Who still cared. Who loved him. 

Suddenly, Neil wanted to cry. 

He had people. He had Andrew and Kevin. He had Nicky and these people who still loved the memories of him. Who cared enough to cry over him existing. These people had been his family. They mourned him and missed him and welcomed him home. 

Family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me feel valid so pretty please spare some serotonin.


End file.
